So. Many. Jokes. So. Little. Time.
Edited to add: You know, I think I’m going to crowdsource this. Can you, my faithful and cheerful readers, come up with appropriate lyrics for TSA Christmas Carols? Leave them in comments. Just to make this fun, best lyrics submitted before December 31st (as determined by a committee consisting of myself, Lawrence, and Mike the Musicologist, pending the agreement of the latter two) wins a crappy prize, probably something I have duplicates of.
Edited to add 2: It doesn’t have to be set to “The 12 Days Of Christmas”, by the way. You can use any Christmas tune, up to and including “Fairytale of New York“. But unless you think we’ll immediately recognize the tune from your lyrics, please do make a note of it in the comments.
I really wanted to work “cavity search” in there, but couldn’t make it scan.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, TSA gave to me:
12 confiscations
11 intense grillings
10 lame excuses
9 tension headaches
8 random pat-downs
7 drones-a-fondling
6 guards-a-glaring
5 anal probes
4 long searches
3 missed flights
2 unpacked bags
and cancer from the body scan machine.
O traveller, O traveller,
I want to see your passes
O traveller, o traveller,
And I’ll feel your asses
Your shoes and belts are not the fault,
It’s probably not your tech at all,
It’s just an act that we have to follow
O traveller, o traveller,
That’s how we fly at christmastime
Have your I.D. out
You better not lie
‘Cause if we have a doubt
I’m telling you why
The TSA is patting you down
They’re touching your junk
Checking you twice
Gonna find out who’s packing the ice
The TSA is patting you down
Who knows what they’ve been smoking
Who knows if they’re awake
Who knows if it’s a fraud or not
A real test or just a fake!