Whipped Cream Difficulties

Like those truck stop enchiladas you had for dinner last night, Tuesday Morning Quarterback is back on The Weekly Standard.

And like the Genesee Cream Ale you washed those enchiladas down with, so is TMQ Watch: albeit a little late this week.

After the jump, this week’s TMQ…

Before dipping our toes into the upcoming NFL season, let’s take a moment to reminisce about the finale of the last: the Patriots vs. the Eagles in the Super Bowl.

Do we have to? Wasn’t this pretty much beaten to death after the game? (Also: first occurrence of “go for it on 4th and 1” this season.)

This week’s column is the AFC preview. As is our policy, we won’t try to go through it team by team, but we will call out specific items that catch our eyes.

Buffalo:

For many years TMQ has contended this facility should be called Robert Kalsu Field.

Really? Perhaps we are not observant, but we do not recall ever seeing a mention of Bob Kalsu in a TMQ column before now.

(If you’re unfamiliar with Bob Kalsu, go here.)

Cleveland:

Regardless of whether Mayfield or Taylor lines up on opening day, the Browns will be on their 29th starting quarterback in the 19 years since their return to Cleveland.

…

During the offseason, Cleveland gave Jarvis Landry a megabucks deal with $34 million guaranteed—and Landry is a slot receiver. This is more indication that playing the slot increases in importance in contemporary football (along with the nickel corner, who defends the slot).

Because Cleveland gave one position player $34 million, that proves the position is important. Got it.

Ah, Houston. They could be good, according to TMQ, if they manage to avoid injuries to key players. Stop the presses.

Indy:

…you don’t bump into too many football coaches who have run a seminary. Yours truly wonders whether Reich will draw up plays with names like Elect Right, Sola Gloria Cross Seam. What will Reich the head coach decide when he faces his first moral quandary? As, inevitably, he will. We could argue for hours about whether theological concepts (say, predestination, to use the Reformed example) are nutty or magnificent. Most of the time what matters is how those who are genuine adherents of religions make ethical choices when their turn comes. Let’s see how Reich chooses.

We detect a recurring trope for this season’s TMQ.

Offensive linemen good.

Ah, it looks like this is TMQ’s “1% basketball” column.

…Barkley and Majerle then, Morris and Tatum now, were begging the basketball gods to smite them down

Great. Now we have “the basketball gods” to go with the football gods.

If we had the money, and TMQ’s home address, we’d consider commissioning paintings of the football and basketball gods. Something like this:

Except with athletes instead of presidents. And, of course, it would be on tasteful black velvet.

(Note: this season, ye gods! yields to yikes stripes! as the Official Interjection of TMQ.)

“Yikes stripes!”? Cheese louise, Greg, how about just going with “Swiper! No swiping!” Who writes these nonsense phrases for TMQ?

…the idea that it’s a sinister plot for whomever wins the White House to choose Supreme Court justices that suit his or her liking doesn’t make a whit of sense. When Barack Obama won the White House, he chose candidates of his liking. In all cases—Sonia Sotomayor, Elena Kagan, and Merrick Garland—Obama’s choices possessed outstanding qualifications. Then Trump won, and now he gets to choose candidates of his liking. That’s how it works.

We’d quibble about the “outstanding qualifications” of some of those folks, but Easterbrook’s general point bears repeating.

There is an airtight argument for an amendment to replace the obsolete Electoral College with direct popular choice; this argument is detailed in my new book…

Hey, did you know Gregg Easterbrook has a new book out?

In 1937, Franklin Roosevelt, one of my heroes…

This explains a great deal.

Kicker Younghoe Koo, born in South Korea, missed field goal attempts to win or tie in the closing seconds of three of LA/B’s first four contests. Okay, I admit I cannot prove that Kim Jong Un was broadcasting something from a satellite into Younghoe’s mind. But this seems the most entertaining explanation.

“Most entertaining” as opposed to “most probable”, which is that the Chargers are a crappy franchise who should be shut down by the NFL and their players divided up among the other 31 teams.

The reboot of “24” was unrealistic. We were not even aware there was a reboot of “24”, or of the forthcoming second reboot of “24”.

This goes out to the Texas Tech fans in our audience:

In 2007, Bill Belichick spirited wide receiver Wes Welker away from the Dolphins, who never realized what they had with a highly effective, undrafted slot guy from Texas Tech. This offseason, Miami reverse-engineered that transaction by signing wide receiver Danny Amendola away from New England—and Amendola is a highly effective undrafted slot guy from Texas Tech.

New England: something something Brady-Malcolm Butler-Belichick.

Oakland: Jon Gruden = Gruden the Elder. Jay Gruden = Gruden the Younger. There’s your decoder ring for this season. Drink Ovaltine. Also, the $1.8 billion being spent on a Vegas stadium is absurd. True that, but for a better take on this, we recommend the excellent Field of Schemes.

Tennessee: is this item about the Titans, or about the NBA again?

And even more ridiculous NBA personnel moves. We seem to be getting awfully close to the 1% border here.

But, fortunately, we’re at the end of the column. Next week: the NFC. We’ll shoot for an actual Tuesday TMQ Watch.

This entry was posted on Thursday, August 23rd, 2018 at 12:17 pm and is filed under NFL, Sports, TMQ watch, TV. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.