Whipped Cream Difficulties

There can be only one.

After the jump, this week’s TMQ. If it isn’t Scottish, it’s crap!

ESPN pays a lot of money for crap NFL games. Why? The NFL hates ESPN. It takes TMQ 925 words to make these points.

(“Monday Night Football on ESPN was Patriots at Bills, a cover-your-eyes awful pairing.” Really? The consistently good Patriots, and TMQ favorite Buffalo?)

(“In a couple of weeks, Sunday Night Football will offer Cowboys versus Eagles, which is shaping up as a major contest pairing the defending champion versus one of the sport’s most popular clubs…” The Eagles are .500. The Cowboys are 3-4.)

In other football news, this column has criticized Minnesota head coach Mike Zimmer for timid fourth-down tactics. Sunday night, he had the Vikes go for it three times on 4th-and-short, including twice on 4th-and-goal. The result was two touchdowns and a turnover on downs.

Final score: New Orleans 30, Minnesota 20.

Interceptions and fumbles by Minnesota doomed the effort. But if Zimmer sticks with aggressive playcalling, the Vikings’ season (record: 4-3-1) has hope yet.

Or, you know, aggressive playcalling might lead to even more fumbles and interceptions. Is it worth calling plays aggressively when your team can’t hold on to the ball?

Stat-O-Matic. Sweet: Jacksonville. Dumb: Green Bay. Smart: Rams. (But the Rams failed to cover!) Mixed: Carolina-Baltimore.

Sunday afternoon, while most of the United States got the headliner Packers at Rams, Arizona, northern California, and parts of Nevada saw 49ers at Cardinals, combined record 2-12.

Yeah, because those are the “home” teams for those areas?

Thursday night the entire country becomes Hell’s Sports Bar as Fox and NFL Network air Niners versus Raiders, combined record 2-13.

Sounds like our kind of game.

Only Gregg Easterbrook could turn his trip to Scotland into an opportunity to bemoan “creep”. In other news, “over the summer I was in Scotland”.

Also, TMQ thinks scotch tasting notes are pretentious. Also also, 815 words about “Outlander”. Which is a TV series set in Scotland on a network we won’t name.

Miami head coach Adam Gase’s call was a strange one that required Brock Osweiler to sprint backward 10 yards and resulted in an incompletion.

We just like seeing the Brockster lose, so he can return to drinking white wine spritzers at the club with Muffy, Buffy, and Chad.

Something something Adrian Peterson.

Kryptonians, Amazonians, Martians, Wookiees, talking raccoons, and the Kree don’t object to people dressing up like them.

Stop appropriating the culture of talking racoons! (We’re okay with appropriating Kryptonian culture, because Superman. Seriously? Fark that guy.)

The Giants are bad, but we don’t think TMQ spends enough time on Eli Manning. It seems increasingly clear to us that his time as a NFL quarterback has passed, and he should be looking for a new gig as a sportscaster or pizza entrepreneur.

…the 2016 first round was a disaster for many teams.

Speaking of geezer quarterbacks: Drew Brees (39), Derek Anderson (35), Ryan Fitzpatrick (35).

Long drives: Austin-Tulsa, University of Minnesota.

TMQ would think the single easiest thing in all of sports would be to predict success for LeBron James. Yet this is currently unfashionable.

Why can’t LeBron James make change for a dollar? Because he doesn’t have a fourth quarter.

Seriously, one of the reasons why predicting success for LeBron is “unfashionable” may be that the dude is a mercenary, and nobody roots for mercenaries. We never much liked Michael Jordan as an NBA player, either, but at least you got the feeling he was loyal to Chicago. LeBron goes where the big paycheck is, and then leaves when the bigger paycheck is revealed elsewhere.

He’ll be a force in the 2019 NBA postseason with the Lakers. Why isn’t this obvious?

Because the Lakers are 2-6? Because they’ve won exactly one more game than Cleveland? Heck, even the 76ers have a better record than the Lakers, and Philadelphia is pretty much synonymous with “bad”.

“Adventures In Officiating”: Miami-Houston, Oklahoma State-Texas.

The 500 Club. The 600 Club.

Next Week. Vote early, vote often!

Offer only valid for Democratic voters in Chicago.

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