Week two. Gesundheit.
Our count is roughly 9,400 words. Will TMQ join the 10,000 Club this season? We would not be surprised.
(And this is why we’re running behind: we do plan to try to get these up on Tuesday, but if the Weekly Standard is going to let Easterbrook run on as long as he wants, without apparent editing or restrictions, we can’t promise that.)
After the jump, this week’s column…
All the Atlanta Falcons had to do was run straight ahead and they would have won the Super Bowl.
And you can now skip the first 1,046 words of this week’s column. But we’ll go ahead and highlight a couple of things, just for giggles:
Ding! (That little bell is the sound of Easterbrook invoking a TMQ trope.)
Hillary Clinton never campaigned in Michigan or Wisconsin—what was she thinking?
Oooh! Oooh. Mr. Kotter! Mr. Kotter!
TMQ’s three lessons from the last Super Bowl:
- Going pass-wacky. Again. (Ding!)
- “Don’t blame the Falcons defense.” Which is fine: TMQ sees former defensive coordinator Richard Smith as a scapegoat for Atlanta’s offensive mistakes. But that seems more like an opinion, not a lesson.
- Something something Tom Brady and the fortunes of the game. Again, this doesn’t seem to be a lesson.
NFC preview time. Like we did last week, we’re going to try to boil each team down to one nut graf.
Arizona: is Carson Palmer the problem? (“Is the problem that after the Cubbies overcame the Curse of the Billy Goat to win the World Series, Chicago sports negativity is now transferred to Arizona?” No, Gregg. That would be Cleveland. Cleveland, Ohio.)
Atlanta: you guessed it, pass wacky. (Ding!)
Carolina: bad officiating.
Chicago: bad drafting. (“Trubisky made just 13 college starts, which included a loss to Duke—not to Duke basketball, to Duke’s 4-8 football squad.” We have no joke here, we just want to say: Duke sucks. We miss FARK sometimes.)
The football gods are still chortling. (Ding!)
Tampa Bay: “may have the league’s best receiver corps this season”. Plus TMQ still hates Greg Schiano, who is now at Ohio State.
Dallas: TMQ has some thoughts on the Ezekiel Elliott situation. Plus “low football IQ”.
Detroit: “TMQ tracks Authentic Games, a concept to be introduced as the season progresses.” (Ding!) Also: fraidy-cat coaching and pass-wackyness. (Ding!)
“Hidden Plays of Super Bowl LI”: skyboxes vs. sidelines, pooch kicking, why not go for two after the penalty, pass-wackyness (ding!) and the football gods (ding!) smote Arthur Blank for his hubris.
The Pack: fraidy-cat coaching (Ding!), offensive line instability, and what does the BYU-Toledo game have to do with the price of rice in Lambeau Field (other than Jamaal Williams being with Green Bay this year)?
You know, Gregg, there might have been just a little bit of sarcasm in all those “era” headlines. (Also: is it “Hapsburg Empire” or “Habsburg Empire“?)
Giants: Odell Beckham, Jr. “honked last season’s playoffs” as did pretty much the rest of the team and the coaches (excessive punting (Ding!)). Also: pass-wacky. (Ding!)
“TMQ’s nominee for Song of the Summer 2017 is “Want You Back,” from Haim.” Who? What? (Also, in answer to TMQ’s question: there’s probably an entire department in LA’s city government that handles that stuff. As a matter of fact, there’s probably businesses that specialize in facilitating this: you want a street closed for filming? Hire Street Closers, Incorporated, and they’ll go through the process for you. Of course, they’ll collect a small additional fee on top of the city fees.)
Rams: have spent a lot of draft choices on quarterbacks and receivers.
Minnesota: doesn’t have a running game. (“hitting on all eight cylinders—soon this cliché will be changed to ‘hitting on all 375 volts'” You mean, like “dialing a phone” or “playing a record”? Clichés are surprisingly resistant to change, Gregg.) Also: “There’s something wrong with the vibe of this team.” and fraidy-cat coaching. (Ding!)
Philadelphia: TMQ loves him some Doug Pederson and Carson Wentz.
“Adventures in Officiating”: either two or three of the most recent Super Bowls have pivoted on botched calls.
You can’t bring in those full-time officials soon enough for TMQ.
Of course, full-time officials will never screw up a call.
Saints: lots of offense, no defense.
Super Bowl linemen.
49ers: is Kirk Cousins going to be the quarterback in 2018? If so, the team will have a lot of draft choices to back him up. “…but 49ers faithful will have to endure the 2017 season to get there, and it’s not going to be pretty.”
Seattle: still stuck in 2015. But take the Seahawks at home if you’re a betting person. (We’re just waiting for TMQ’s pro-nudity/anti-gambling rant.)
Redskins: Speaking of Kirk Cousins…
Viewer mail: those Confederate statues aren’t historic after all.
And that’s a wrap. WordPress says we’re just over 800 words, so about 1/10th of a TMQ column. Next week, TMQ’s season predictions for all 32 teams. We can’t tell if they’re all going to be in “haiku” (which really were not haiku).
Until then, Austin is far enough away that we really didn’t feel any impact from Harvey. But if you can spare a few bucks or a prayer to whatever god or gods you believe in for folks in Houston, please do so.