TMQ Watch: December 23, 2014.

Before we jump into this week’s post-bye TMQ, a tweet from Easterbrook:

Dear Greggles:

The “whole nation” saw Jacksonville – Tennessee because it was a Thursday night game and the only game on. It may be true that California didn’t get to see Dallas – Indianapolis, but that was a curb stomping; the San Diego – San Francisco and Oakland – Buffalo games were close thrillers.

After the jump, this week’s TMQ. Warning: spoilers ahead for “Ascension”.

It is okay to bail on your team if they’re a bunch of losers. 364 words down.

…TMQ proposes a new “passer stance” rule: a player in a passer stance cannot be hit in any manner and is down with two-hand touch.

It is an interesting idea, and TMQ may be right that it would both clear up current confusion on what’s a good hit and decrease injuries to quarterbacks. On the other hand, it seems like this would deprive us of the big play where the quarterback shrugs off a defender (or two, or three) and completes an improbable pass down field to an uncovered receiver. On the gripping hand, hasn’t the pendulum already swung too far in the direction of protecting quarterbacks?

Stats. Sweet: Seattle. Sour: Buffalo. (We were thrilled to see Buffalo, one of our consistently overrated teams, lose to the hapless Raiders.) Mixed: Carolina – Cleveland, Indianapolis – Dallas.

We’ve mocked TMQ’s “Cosmic Thoughts” for the past couple of years, and we believe rightly so. However, this year’s entry, which covers some of the findings on how back humanity goes is…actually, pretty interesting.

Our ancestors engaged in some kind of organized activity in what’s now Spain 430,000 years ago.

Ah. So they weren’t voting Democratic.

On the other hand, TMQ’s constant complaint about the length of USPS/UPS/FedEx tracking numbers was old when it first ran. Dear TMQ: did you ever stop to consider that there may be technical reasons why tracking numbers are so long?

Authentic games. Do we care? No, we do not. More on ESPN Grade. Again, care we do not.

This week in unrealistic television: “Ascension”.

The Big Reveal turned out to be that the Ascension was never in space. Six hundred people were locked into an underground model of a mega-enormous starship, then tricked into thinking they were on their way to another star system. The real purpose was a sinister experiment in natural selection.

Whaaaaaaaaaaht? It’s a Festivus miracle! For once, TMQ’s criticism of a TV show is actually valid!

“The Football Gods Are Preparing to Chortle”. We’re preparing for Christmas, a day on which we have to work. (But we can work remotely. So we’ve got that going for us, which is nice.)

Speaking of Christmas gifts, yes, the Italian cashmere Union suit is $469, but damm, we bet it feels good.

Da Drop Bears. More cosmic thoughts:

…astronomers have found a dense group of stars headed toward the Milky Way at a velocity that works out to about one-third of a percent of the speed of light. This is one of the highest velocities observed in nature for complex objects. (Subatomic particles may move much faster.) If entire groups of stars can move at a third of a percent of light speed, that suggests humanity someday will build ships capable of this speed.

Not exactly clear on the logic of “if groups of stars can move at this speed, we should be able to build a spaceship that can go equally fast”. But it wouldn’t be the first time TMQ’s logic was unclear.

The dogs of Madison Bumgarner. “Why does everyone around Rex Ryan contract chronic boasting disease?” You might even go so far as to say that Rex Ryan and those around him suffer from foot-in-mouth disease.

Something something 49ers. “What went wrong for Denver?” We think the question ought to be “What went right for Cincinnati?”, but playing along with TMQ: Peyton doesn’t play well in bad weather, opposing teams are jamming Denver’s receivers, and lousy offensive line play.

The spending bill stinks.

If the Treasury Department nominee favors higher taxes — does he tax himself, voluntarily?

Misdirection. “Is there ever a situation when a game outcome should be reversed?” Gary Andersen is a weasel. We were not big “Thunderbirds” fans ourselves.

If there is a reasonable defense of post-9/11 CIA treatment of captives, it should be made in plain language — that torture of prisoners can be justified.

Mighty Kelly has struck out. (Good news for Eagles fans, though: they can now throw batteries at Santa without worrying about the playoffs.)

In the span of a little more than a year, Scarlett Johansson played a superhero (“Captain America: The Winter Soldier”), a flesh-eating space alien (“Under the Skin”), a disembodied computer (“Her”) and a woman who shoots death rays from her mutated brain (“Lucy”).

Serious question, since we missed all of those movies: does she get nekked in any of them?

“Lucy,” the most recent, is too preposterous to merit an accounting of plot holes. Christopher Orr was impressed by “the sheer quantity of inanity” squeezed into 89 minutes.

“Diving into shallow water can cause serious injury.” Yeah, TMQ, that sounds like something Captain Obvious would say, and it is a shame that a disclaimer is needed for that. But there are still a lot of people who injure themselves – sometimes to the point of lifelong paralysis – diving into shallow water. It’s not quite as amusing as you think it is.

Chicken-(salad) kicking: Tennessee, Arizona.

Philadelphia isn’t the only NBA team that’s tanking.

The upcoming Timberwolves at Philadelphia contest may be among the worst NBA games all time in terms of combined records.

We don’t watch pro basketball, but we may have to make an exception for that game (which appears to be January 30th).

“Adventures in Officiating”:

On the down that became the 39-yard pass to Luke Willson, Russell Wilson wanted to quick-snap before Arizona might change fronts. The Hawks were using a silent snap based on Wilson lifting his leg. When he lifted his leg and the center didn’t deliver the ball, Wilson began jumping up and down to signal for the snap. He appeared to be rehearsing for an Irish step-dancing competition.

We have no joke here. We just wanted to quote the classic line from Da Vinci’s Notebook’s “Another Irish Drinking Song”:

…when the Savior comes for me and you,
He kills the cast of Riverdance and Michael Flatley too.

Bye week notes: pumped-up (onside) kicks, we’re not sure we agree with TMQ about Gruden’s decision making, chicken-(salad) Falcons kicking, chicken-(salad) Rams kicking, chicken-(salad) Chargers kicking, and why can’t Green Bay win at Buffalo? Absolutely nothing about the Jacksonville – Tennessee game. We are disappointed.

TMQ gets a lot of mail. “Single Worst Play of the Season — So Far”: Antonio Cromartie.

That’s a wrap for this week, folks. Have yourself a merry little Christmas. Or, if you don’t celebrate Christmas, whatever holiday you do celebrate. That goes for you too, Gregg Easterbrook.

Seriously, we extend our best wishes to everyone this holiday season. May your 2015 be better than 2014. We’ll be back next week.

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